Outfox The Kids For Fun And Profit
Introduction
There is a story, oft' told, illustrating the wisdom of the great and ancient King Solomon.
He was holding court one day when two women, both harlots, both having recently given birth, approached him. Their intent was for him to judge who was the proper mother of an infant, which they carried between them. In her sleep, one woman had accidentally smothered her own infant. Then she had stolen the other child.
In order to decide who was the real mother, the king called for his sword.
"I shall divide the child in two," said the king. "Each of you shall share equally."
At these words, one of the mothers smiled in smug agreement. The other shrieked in horror, and cried out, "Oh, please, do not kill the child. Give him to the other, if you must, but spare the child."
Hearing this, there was no doubt in the mind of the king. He gently tendered the child to the mother who had cried out.
It is easy to see why the real mother would be willing to give up the child to save his life. It is difficult to understand the motivation of the other. Did she have some desperate need to win, to be right, to ease her anger or guilt for having accidentally caused the death of her own child? Was it important for her to please the king by agreeing with him? Whatever the reason, her concern was all for herself, and none for the child.
It seems inconceivable that any reason could supersede the life and welfare of a defenseless child, yet it happens every day. Fierce need to survive in poor circumstances; the desire to be right in a messy divorce, custody battle or bitter argument; the urge to win in business or at little league; anger and guilt, whether at self, spouse or outsiders; a desperate need to be loved, or to be in control; the list could go on and on. These concerns are all about the desires of the parents. They have nothing to do with the needs of children. Yet, they all take their disastrous toll on the safety, security, healthy mental growth and even the very life of today's youngsters.
If we could but keep our own concerns out of it, and concentrate on a few basic principles, parenting would be so much easier. Some of these principles are listed below. As you read through the stories in this book, see if you can identify which of these principles are at issue.
1. Good parenting is all about helping the child. It has nothing to do with the parent's wants and needs. No matter how cute, cuddly, distressing or obnoxious, it is not the child's job to please the parent. It is the parent's job to nurture the child.
2. A good parent is not a friend. He is a firm, consistent source of support that is always dependable. Despite what children may tell us; no matter how much they may protest against it; no matter whether tyke or teen, children want, need and expect us to provide consistent limits and firm direction.
3. Children are far more capable than we give them credit for being. They need to be encouraged to do for themselves as much as possible. A good parent is one who becomes less and less needed with each passing day.
4. Children will pretty much live up to what you expect of them, but respond poorly if you make unreasonable demands. Expect, even require the best, but do not be demanding and overbearing about it.
5. Children are great imitators. If you see something in them that you do not like, look unto thyself. If you see something that you do like, bask in the compliment.
6. Children are human. Regardless of age or abilities, their individual thoughts, ideas and physical being need to be treated with the same courtesy and respect you would show to any adult.
Each story in this book explores one or more of these basic principles of parenting. None of these stories are meant to stand-alone. Taken separately, an individual story may be true enough, but distort the over all picture.
For example, many stories emphasize giving more freedom to children. Yet, too much freedom can produce anarchy and disrespect. Those stories dealing with encouraging independence, creativity and freedom need to be weighed against those stories dealing with the need to require respect and to set firm limits.
To complicate matters further, each story explores not just one, but several of these basic principles. For these reason, and others listed below, my editors wring their hands in despair over the organization of this book. They would have me revise these short essays into neat little textbook lessons with sidebars and boxes. As I think of it, I believe that they would prefer it if all those stories dealing with freedom could be lumped together, separated from those dealing with discipline. Unfortunately for such organization, children do not fall into neat little categories. They do not do well being raised by pre-ordained rules or formulas.
To organize this book in the usual formal manner would not only destroy the charm of each "little pearl." It would also obscure principles that are tucked away along side of the main theme in each.
Additionally: Many "little Pearls" deal with stories of how a particular principle relates to both youth and toddlers. Sometimes a certain principle is better illustrated with a fable; sometimes a true story makes the point more vivid.
A particular stumbling block for the editors is the way the series of Teagan stories slide from fantasy into reality. The first in the series, while true, is treated in a fantasy-like manner. The second story is treated in a more realistic way. Perhaps this shift may be a little disturbing to some readers, but it clearly illustrates what is the very nature of childhood. Children frequently make these kinds of sudden shifts between fantasy and reality, as they search out the differences between what is true and what is make-believe.
When I taught eight grades for a year, I was made quite aware of this fact. One moment my eight graders expected me to treat them like fully grown adults. At almost the same identical moment in time, they wanted to be treated as children. This dichotomy is more pronounced in eight graders, but is even present in adults. Have we not all felt angered when someone told usin no uncertain terms what to do-- and at the same time, we wished that they would relieve us of the responsibility of deciding what to do?
I would hope that the arrangement of stories in this book would make parents more aware of these shifts. We have intermingled fact with fiction, and reality with make-believe. Such shifts not only mimic the flights of childhood, but also keep it interesting.
Nevertheless, the organization of this book is not helter-skelter, or merely at random. We start with stories--including the one that opens this introduction--emphasizing the need for parents to examine their own motives. As side themes in these stories, there are implied suggestions as to the best ways to treat children. Then we blend into stories that deal primarily with child guidance, and specific matters such as sex, peer pressures, money matters, problem situations and more. All the while, we have tucked in little reminders to parents to keep their own feelings and desires out of the mix.
We urge you to read and re-read these stories. Read them first for sheer enjoyment. Then re-read them in exploration. Skip around and weigh one story against another. Each story is loaded with examples of the several principles explained in this introduction. See if you can identify how many of each of the six principles is at issue in each story.
Finally, string all of your understandings together in your own way. Make your own string of pearls. Only then will you take them to your heart and really use them in earnest, to help your little gems of joy grow into the dazzling adults you know they can become.
Just one final reminder: first, foremost, and forever, it is what is best for the child that is important, not whether it makes you feel good or bad.